17 December 1969

Friends, shall I greet you with namaskar or "bonjour" or "good morning" or "salaam"? Sisir was telling me just now that, in Shantiniketan, Rabindranath instructed the teachers to greet the students with namaskar. According to Tagore, the teachers must greet the students with namaskar - that way, it can help to awaken the soul in the students. And here, Pranab, as you know very well, greets you always with a namaskar and a broad smile. I don't know whether he smiles broadly at all of you or not, but I am fortunate in seeing his broad smile as well as his folded hands each time he greets me.

Well then, at last we meet. Some of you, I understand, have been waiting eagerly for this talk. I was not very eager, because, as you know, it gives me a headache every time, and this time it was no less, particularly after the long vacations, which I enjoyed to the full. I forgot all about this talk. Some of your faces floated before my eyes, but that was in another context. But as the days of sacrifice came nearer and nearer, I asked some of my inspirers: "What shall I do?" Well, some of them smiled and said, "Pray to the Lord," and others said nothing of the kind, simply smiled an enchanting smile. Perhaps they thought that this is a smile of inspiration! But it left me no wiser! (Laughter)

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To tell you honestly, I was feeling a bit nervous - just like the nervousness some of you feel before your athletic competitions or before your exams. But, fortunately, the examinations have been mercifully done away with by the Mother. But athletics competitions are still there, and if I am right, some of you do feel nervous - you experience sleepless nights, breakfastless mornings, lunchless noons, constant calls of nature, etc. (Laughter) Vomiting and committing many follies. (Laughter) I heard the story of a young friend of mine who is appearing for the final M.B.B.S examination. Poor fellow, neither can he eat, nor can he drink. If he dreams, he has nightmares about examiners! That reminds me, ladies and gentlemen, of my student days. I hope you'll permit me to begin with some anecdotes from my medical student days.

We too had some examiners who were rather strict, but not unfair. They were not bent on killing us or failing us, but all the same, they did hold some strict and difficult tests. But, on the other hand, there were others who were very encouraging. Though they were Britishers and I was an Indian, it made no difference. I shall give you one or two examples.

You know that medical exams are supposed to be very strict -there are two internal examiners and two are visiting professors from another university. For instance, if you are sitting here for examinations, they will call for external examiners from Madurai or from Calcutta. I was sitting for my exam in medicine. The written test was over, but the bugbear was the oral one, where we had to confront four examiners, just like in the Indian Administrative Service exams now, I understand.

So two of my professors were there as internal examiners and two others from outside. One of the latter posed me a very stiff question, but my internal examiner intervened - "No, no, no, that doesn't matter," he said. And I got off. In another exam, there was a board of four or five members and I was appearing for four subjects at a time, though I'd had the option of doing them two at a time. So there my internal examiner said, "Well, he is appearing for four

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subjects" - which meant "let us be a little lenient to him." (Laughter) Then, in my clinical examination in the hospital, my clinical professor was also there. As soon as I entered the hall, he was very chummy; he put his hand on my elbow like this and said, "Come along, Mr. Tay-luck-dar!"³¹⁰ (Laughter) I said, "What is this Tay-luck-dar?" Anyhow, though the pronunciation frightened me, his taking me by the elbow so very intimately instilled some courage into my heart. There also, I managed to pass.

In another exam, my British professor, who had been in the tropical countries for a few years, asked me, "Well, Mr. Talukdar, suppose you were hit ..." Good Lord! I thought. (Laughter) " ... from the back, by a man with a lay-dhee"³¹¹ - what's lay-dhee, I couldn't make out, and I was frowning. "You don't understand?" "No, sir." "You don't know lay-dhee?" "Sir, I've never heard of it." (Laughter) "It has a knob, something you walk with." "Ah, I understand, sir, we call it a lāṭhi? (Laughter) You know Englishmen can't pronounce these Indian words correctly.

Then, in another oral exam, I was asked: What are the symptoms or properties of a particular drug - say, for instance, morphine or opium? I began to tell the examiner, and he was satisfied. Then I told him something which he hadn't heard of. He asked me, "Where did you get it from?" I said, "Sir, our professor has written it in his book." He got up, went to the professor. I don't know what talk he had, but he came back and was quiet, didn't say anything. So there you are. I have given you some examples of the attitude or the spirit of some of the teachers.

Here, in India, I don't know how far it is true, but things seem to be a little different. I've told you about how students become nervous wrecks; some even commit suicide. Yes, I forgot to mention the first exam that I had, in the first year of physics. Well, I had never studied physics in college. I'd been a student of arts. But, all the same, I had to pick up medical physics and medical chemistry in order to enter

310Nimd-da s surname was 'Talukdar', pronounced 'Thaalookdhaar'.

311Actual word is pronounced laatthi, but the professor mispronounces it.

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the medical career. So there were all the apparatuses on the table for the physics oral exam and the professor began to ask me questions. I simply fired away like a parrot! He was very happy. "Have you read my notes?" "Yes, sir, I've read your notes." "That's all right." (Laughter) So fortunately, I had the gift of taking good notes when the professor was giving the lectures - almost verbatim. I am not exaggerating; you can see from Talks with Sri Aurobindo how many notes I had taken. So, such were our teachers and such were the examinations. Sometimes, when you face a strict professor, there is some trouble. To quote Amrita-da, your "sweet heart" troubles you. But that is all in the game, as they say.

So, as I said, I had to pass through this trouble for today's talk: What to say? What not to say? All that I've narrated until now was not in my mind at all. I was praying calmly to the Lord to give me some inspiration, and, all on a sudden, I had a flash of inspiration to speak of my experiences. Now, I see that there are plenty of new faces who have joined us in our pilgrimage to the Light Eternal, and I hope that, by their inspiring company, they will give us some stimulation and make our journey less arduous. So far, we can say, the Divine, the Lord has not failed us. He has sustained us at every step. Whenever there was fear of a breakdown, I have seen that He has held us up. That is, I believe, for two reasons: one, an aspiration from my heart, the other, a collective aspiration from the crowd. So ladies and gentlemen, I would ask you to keep up this constant collective aspiration in order that our class can serve some useful purpose.

It is extremely funny or interesting that during these vacations, this long period, from the day we stopped our class to this day when we met, I didn't have that feeling of inspiration or exultation at all. The Lord forgot me completely! I tried to invoke Him, I tried to evoke Him, I tried to provoke Him. (Laughter) No answer - I was bypassed completely, which proves that part of the exultation and stimulation must have been contributed by the aspiration of your young hearts which help me to be buoyed up like a colourful balloon in the air.

Well, this is an introduction [indicating what he is about to read

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out]. Today, a young friend from this crowd has asked me to read out to you the introductions from the two books here, Correspondence with Sri Aurobindo and The Mother of Love. One introduction is by my humble self, the other by the scholar himself - Madhav Pandit.³¹² I'm sure my introduction is not new to you. I've talked about much of the same material in this class, in snatches, in parts; yet, if you'll allow me, if you'll bear with me for the repetition, perhaps it won't be a mere waste of time. Repetition in such things, my friends, is a blessing. Repetition is a rhetorical figure, some of you literary students may know; it is used as an alankar³¹³ with effect. So I believe this repetition too may have some effect. [Reading from the Preface of Correspondence (July 1954)]:

The history of this correspondence dates back to the early thirties, 1933 to be exact, when I made the Ashram my permanent home ... Sri Aurobindo explained to me in this letter how the outer life can be made a field of yoga and how work done as a part of Karmayoga,³¹⁴ with the right attitude, can be a very good training for the completely yogic life. But very little of this advice was put into ptactice: the flicker of light kindled in the Ashram got enveloped by the darkness of the world around ...

I've told you about this last year.

I was at that time working in one of the Ashram departments,- not the medical one; even though a doctor, I had a strong distaste for the medical profession.

I told you which department I was working in, if I remember right -in the timber godown, if you please! So I went down there (Laughter) and emerged as a 'timber god', an epithet given by the Lord Himself.

One day, when my notebook came back from Sri Aurobindo, I _began to read what he had written, when to my utter bewilderment

312Madhav Pandit was a Konkani Ashramite and scholar. He was the author of many books expounding Sri Aurobindo's yoga and philosophy. He also wrote books on the Tantra and the Vedas.

313A rhetorical device. The Sanskrit word means decoration, beautification, ornamentation.

314Karmayoga is the dedication of all one's actions to the Divine, by practicing equality and renunciation of desire and motivation in works. Renunciation of the fruits of one's works is the essence of karmayoga - nishkama karma (desireless actions).

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I came across the sentence, "Well, sir, do you understand now?" I was so taken aback that I could not believe my eyes. "Is this a joke or a slip of the pen?" I asked myself, for I did not remember his having addressed anybody as "sir"!

By the way, somebody who is not familiar with these English terms told me, sometime ago, "Sri Aurobindo respects you very much." (Laughter) So there you are.

How great was the thrill when I saw pages filled with a fine close handwriting, though written at a tremendous speed! "Oh, how much he has written!" would be the first thought...

... not what He has written. (Laughter)

And the contents used to be indeed a feast for the gods, though I must say it was for him a god's labour to answer to so many letters and note-books in one single night ... Friends wondered how I dared to take such an extraordinary liberty with Sri Aurobindo; to some it even appeared sacrilegious. They often asked me, "Don't you tremble with fear when you face him during 'Darshan'?" Fear? Where was the question of fear when his face, his eyes would say ma bbaih,³¹⁵ his lips parted in a sweet smile and his whole body bending in love and sweetness to bless the head lying at his feet ?

I remember clearly the scene. He had a rose in His hand; somebody had offered it to him. He was dangling His rose like this when I approached, a sweet smile was there. I bowed, simply bent down like that [Re-enacting the gesture now]. I came away after doing pranam to the Mother. I don't know, people who were behind me, told me afterwards "Just when you left, Sri Aurobindo was looking at the Mother like this." [Re-enacting this gesture too] (Laughter)

... the temptation to draw Sri Aurobindo out was so irresistible that we did not much weigh the wisdom of our queries ...

Some of you have heard about how I had once made a very insolent remark: "I don't understand how you've lived dangerously when you had a fat salary," so that was the silly, insolent, stupid question I posed to Him, and you may remember the reply. It is very tempting to read out this letter to you (Laughter), and for some of you it will be quite

315 Have no fear - in Sanskrit.

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new, for the children particularly. Shall I read it? I hope I'll be able to find the passage. Yes, here it is! [Reading from Correspondence (1995), 92]:

[Nirod-da:] You wrote the other day that you had lived dangerously ... [Rest of the question as described above]

[Sri Aurobindo:] There is a coward in every human being - precisely the part in him which insists on 'safety' - for that is certainly not a brave attitude. I admit however that I would like safety myself if I could have it - perhaps that is why I have always managed instead to live dangerously and follow the dangerous paths, dragging so many poor Nirods in my train.

(Laughter)

[N.³¹⁶:] All that we know is that you did not have enough money in England - also in Pondicherry in the beginning. In Baroda, you had a handsome pay, and, in Calcutta, you were quite well off.

[S. A.:] I was so astonished by this succinct, complete and impeccably accurate biography of myself that I let myself go in answet! But I afterwards thought that it was no use living more dangerously than I am obliged to, so I rubbed it all out. My only answer now is !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, you see, twenty-six exclamation marks I saw exactly in my notebook: it's still there. His original answer had been written in pencil, not in ink, and He'd rubbed it all out. I was simply stunned, wondering what have I done, what have I done. (Laughter) Lost so much, so much, really so much writing! He'd simply let Himself go first in reply, I'm sure about it, but He rubbed it all out!

[S. A.:] ... Karl Marx himself could not have made a more economic world of it! But I wonder whether that was what Nietzsche meant by living dangerously ?

[N.:] (The next day I wrote) I am rather grieved to know that you rubbed off what you wrote, and that my attempts to draw you out have failed very narrowly! Everybody's opinion is that nothing can be got out of you unless you are "pricked" (not my term) - so much of your life in which we know so little!

316 Ibid., 100-101.

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Sri Aurobindo here wrote in the margin: "Why the devil should you know anything about it?"

He is a very modern Guru. He used expressions like "why the devil", "damn it", etc. (Laughter) Even "Subhan Allah!" I came across, the other day, in a letter. I learnt all this from Him, and I swore in a letter,³¹⁷ "By the Guru!" (Laughter) So He wrote back: "By the Guru! What kind of oath is this?"

Now, to continue with my reply to Sri Aurobindo's letter about "living dangerously":³¹⁸

... of course, I don't mean that lack of money is the only danger one can be in. Living poorly seems to me to be akin to living dangerously, isn't this mostly true ?

Now note His style in the reply:

Not in the least. You are writing like Samuel Smiles. Poverty has never had any terrors for me, nor is it an incentive. You seem to forget that I left my very safe and 'handsome'...

Handsome written within quotes, if you please!

... Baroda position without any need to it, and that I gave up also the Rs. 150 of the National College Principalship, leaving myself with nothing to live on. I could not have done that if money had been an incentive ... If you don't realise that starting and carrying on, for ten years and more, a revolutionary movement for independence,...

Mark you, revolutionary, not non-violent!

... without means and in a country wholly unprepared for it,...

Mark every word!

... meant living dangerously, no amount of puncturing of your skull with words...

(Laughter)

... will give you that simple perception. And as to yoga, you yourself were perorating at the top of your voice about its awful, horrible, pathetic and tragic dangers, so ...

317Ibid., 757-8.

318Ibid., 101-2.

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The next day I wrote back:

I beg to submit my apologies. I committed this folly because of ignorance of facts. Believe me.

I've become a lamb (Laughter)

I did not know that you were the brain behind the revolutionary movement, and its real leader, till I read the other day what Barin babu has written about you. Now I really know what is meant by the phrase "living dangerously." Of course, I was not referring to anything about yoga or the inner life. But why put me to shame by dragging my poor self into it ? My dangers don't prove anything, do they?

Sri Aurobindo: Wait a sec. I have admitted nothing about Barin babu - only to having inspired and started and maintained, while I was in the field, a movement for independence ...

So there you are! Now I continue with the Preface:

... He gave us this exceptional privilege and we employed all our skill and art to dispossess him of his vast wealth of knowledge ... For me nothing on this earth could have surpassed the rasa and the beauty that we enjoyed all these years excepting, of course, the personal contact with him to which the accident now opened the way.

How an indirect contact through letters could be made so close, vivid and tangible is an art whose magic Sri Aurobindo alone seemed to know ... If Sri Krishna has bewitched the hearts of men by his flute, Sri Aurobindo has captured their hearts and minds by the magic of his pen... Our heart repeats the marvel of his name and awaits his arrival through the very pathway that he has built with so much labour of love and compassion.